i am just tired

ito nnman ako mgpopost ng walang kakwentang kwentang bagay...
sa kung anu ang nararamdaman at kung anu ang nasa isip ko...
it does not matter nman na eh kc yung taong gusto ko pgsabihan kung anu nararamdaman ko bali wala rin kc wala rin nman na mgyayari.... kainis na talaga....
ayaw ko ngmasaktan pagod na ko masaktan...

galit na galit na ko pero it does not show nman eh... hay.......

another day of feeling down

its another day where i don't know what to do with myself. how will i be like this and how long will i have to fool myself that there is a chance for me a chance for us and chance for our love...

they say blog should not all be what you feel and your inner feelings and inner most thoughts but what should we write... i was encourage to write in a blog to ease some of my emotion for i am emotionally disturbed and emotionally unstable for the past few month, but come to think of it who is emotionally stable now a days where stress is in every corner and every time you turn your face stress is always there. stress on work, stress on relationship, stress in yourself and stress in thinking on what people might think and what might do. stress are is a big killer in each of us and it cause devastating damage both in mind and physical not to mention your emotional well-being. but this depend on what stress you encounter.

lets say stress on work. If your stress on work you can just always take a time off and a have a vacation... it that will work to you... or you can stay home and just be with yourself and spent time pampering yourself and feel loving yourself.

for physical stress there are a lot of stress removal technique that you can do and its more like self gratification. you can always go out for a swim or go out hiking, being one with nature and experiencing the beauty and love nature.

but for emotional stress... on this aspect i cant say anything for that's where i am right now emotional stress out and emotionally unbalance... i was unbalance ever since that day i felt she was no longer in to me, she was no longer thinking about me and more about him... what else to be done and what else to say......

another one bite the dust

in life there are time we can say we had everything and we can say we are happy about it and we don't want anything else. but upon saying that it will hit you and hit you hard... you'll realized you still don't have everything and you will meet someone who there you will see everything you ever ever wanted.

when meeting this someone you will feel alive, happy and most important you will feel you think you can do it all... your more like superhero where you just learned that you have ability that you have not know and from there you will focus your strength and might to attain that goal and not to loose that euphoria. because it makes you feel good... so good you feel like walking on clouds that you look down and nothing will ever brings you down and you can stay up-float for days and for years to come. you feel so good in your life that your happiness gauge goes berserk and it will reach its limit that is infinity...nothing will spoil your day your life your aura and your happiness... until that day..

but reality is not always honey and sugar... not everyday is christmas day and not everyday is your day... sooner or later that ghost of the past will hunt you and will slowly creeps on you... it will slowly consumes you and slowly devouring you from with in... and next thing you know your in too deep you can't get out you cant stay up float and you cant stay in sane... you sanity will slowly leave you and will slowly eats you... you will find yourself crying and laughing at the same time... you see yourself going away but you left there were you stand... thats reality...

you will pretend not to feel a thing if this time come and you will keep on doing your routine of happiness... but this time its no longer happy but instead is a burden... a burden you have to carry and endure for its your life and you cant do about it...whats nice is that it will keep on growing and will keep on consuming you... it will always be there by your side... you would wish to end it but it will not let you it will stop you form committing this that will end it as well... it will reach a point where he will keep you alive in order for it be alive... and from an aura full of color it will just turn in to one color but dark... it will eat you... it will consumes you... it will kill you alive... but not entirely dead... but dying where you can feel everything over and over and over again... for in the real life it sucks that reality and that was keep us alive/dead...

at this point your not you anymore... but more of your the one you don't want to be it could have been avoided but it does not avoid you...instead it you will pass this path and you will have to go through with it... often some people does not mind it for they have output such as friends, family and love ones who can help you along the way... if that's the case your the lucky ones for there are things in this life you must have because if you don't have your dead...

that what happend's to me and is happening to me right now... i have been dead raise up and now killed again... hey lets look at the bright side THERE IS NONE. hahaha

How Much is there to Bear

lets start it like this i am an ordinary guy who loved someone at the wrong time for this love is not allowed for some circumstances. she love me too even though she know the reason and know the situation... but i made a mistake a mistake that i cant no longer bear... i have not informed her with my plans for i don't want her to get hurt... but in the process of that i hurt her instead. and she returned to the one she loved first and this time the love for them become more stronger that even the love i am prepared to give her does not suits it. i wasted a good chance and a good love... even though she said just wait... for they also have issues now... but i cant help myself i am hurting so much so much mo i can bear... how painful pain should i feel before i would give up...

listening to her stories about what they did what are they doing and what are they planning... being there when she's down and taking all the blame if they have quarreled... watching her edit their slides with the photo of them being happy... hoping that she will be happy with me too... hoping that someday her love will comeback to me and hoping that i will be one she is talking about... at what pain should i have to feel at what pain should i have to bear... at what pain at what extent should i bear... i cant leave her for i need her but she doesn't want me to stay... i cant stay away from her because i get my strength from her... i cant loose her i must not loose her but what should i do if she wants me to loose her...

what should i do...
HELP ME PLEASE

===2===

ang hirap magsimula ng isang pahina paghalo halo ang emotion na nararamdaman mo. kasi hindi mo alam kung anu ba ang dapat unahin kasi halos lahat gustong may masabi subalit sa pagsisimula ko ng pahina na ito ni isa walang gustong sumulat kaya ganito ang gagawin. magsusulat ako ng tanong at pababayaan ko sila ang sumagot dito:

Kamusta na ka ngayon?

• hindi ko alam kung ako'y maayos o ako'y hirap basta ang alam ko meron mabigat sa aking dibdib na ayaw mawala at ayaw bumita. para akong nasa isang lawa na kung saan hindi ko maarok ang dulo na kung saan unti unti ako ng lumulubog sa kawalan.

Anu nang pakiramdam mo ngayon?

• katulad ng isang yelo na unti unting naagnas sa kawalan. katulad ng isang taong ngaagaw buhay sa may kama ng kamatay, tulad ng isang kuhol na nasabuyan ng asin... tulad ng isang libingan na parang nakalimutan na ng kamaganak na puntahan.

Anung plano mong gawin ngayon?

• katulad kahapon mabubuhay kc ayaw pa rin huminto huminga, taposin ang araw kc hindi naman pwede hindi lumabas at magtrabaho. pagpapatuloy ang buhay na sana hindi na naramdaman. ipagpapatuloy ang pagiisip sa kung dapat ba o di na dapat.

Anung kasalukuyan naiisip mo ngayon?

• sa ngayon gusto ko kumuha ng mautlis at matalim na bagay kung saan guguhitan ko ang aking likoran, guhit na kung saan mghahati ng aking kataohan sa aking kawalan at siyang mgsisilbing patnubay sa aking kabiguan.

Anu gusto mo ipahatid sa taong gumawa nito sau?

• gusto ko lang malaman nia naging tapat ako at ngmahal ng totoo. na ginawa ko ang lahat para makita mo na mahal kita at maramdaman mo ang pagmamahal ko... na sa pagkakataon na ito mas gugustohin ko pang mawala kaysa makita na ikaw ay malayo. na mas gugustohin ko pa maubos at malunod sa kawalan.

kahit anung sabihin kahit anung gawin ang malabo ka nang maging akin. hindi ko na mararamdaman ang pagmamahal mo at hindi ko na rin maamoy ang halimuyak ng yung pabangao, hindi ko na makikita ang ngiti mo kaysaya na para sa akin sana... dahil ni minsan hindi ka naman naging akin at ni minsan hindi ka naging paligaya para sa atin.

sa kalungkotan kung ito hindi ko ma wari kung anu na kung sino ako... sapagkat ako nalugmok na sa kawalan ng makilala mo binuhat mo ako at siyang binalik mo ulit ang idiin pa sa kawalan...

nagagalit ako hindi sau kung sa sarili ko...

===1===

its another day where i had almost drown my self in sorrow, the sorrow in losing you and you not wanting to do anything with me.

i have known you for quite sometime and i have lost myself in knowing you, i have lost love before you met me and i have lost hope for loving again but you came and show me the way... you show me what love is and you show me how wonderful it is to be love. to know your worth something and that some is there loving you.

i have taken it for granted for there were issue where in which i was not prepared to face. i was in a situation where in its not easy to leave. but before i want us to go fort and pursue our relationship i have hope to fix this issue and know the real value of my love for you... i was wrong i have taken you for granted... i was wrong i have not reciprocate what you have felt for me,,, i tried so hard in my part to do so but it was not just still enough for you for there are some factors that's holding me back. i have feared that i might hurt you even more, but my fear come to reality and i had hurt you where in which it came to a point that you stop loving me and started regretting every thing about me. so if this time came that i will be losing you i am to blame for i did not value your love... even though i have explained you what are my reasons... losing you will be hard for me but what can i do...

WHAT CAN I REALLY DO? siguro nga wala

Sex Without Love*

A pleasure we do out of love for the other person
We our sharing the sexual experiment with
When the innocent become the intimate

It’s when that passion of love turns into a hobby
Then into an obsession and then that turns into a have to have
You can’t stop thinking about your next fix
You look for it everywhere in everyone
You start having withdraws from it
You wonder how you got this way
So dependent on it to get you through the day
You think it’s the only thing that your good at
The guys keep coming and going like fire
At times when it hurts so bad you cant do anything
You tell yourself no more not another time
But as soon as soon as your better
Your right back at it
You ask yourself
Why you do this every time
You just don’t understand
It’s as if your being sexualy
Taken advantage by your own body

You wanna tear your hair our if your not doing it
The people just keep getting older while your still the same age
Started 2-3 years now it doesn’t really matter how old as long as you get the fix
You have to do it
It is your drug
Your Acid

People have been telling you for months that you need help
The people that know you the real you
This isn’t the real you and you know it
You can feel it
The lying
The addiction
The lack of pride you have for your body and self
It’s not you
It’s like he said right before he left
How does it feel to be trash now that you are trash,
And now you are truly trash.
You are not trash this is not you

You know how this started a young women lost within her broken hearted emotions
You just know you don’t know how to stop it
You now need help
Lots of help
Cause sitting here
Your itching to do it again
And pleading someone help
HELP! ! ! PLEASE! ! ! HELP! ! !
You don’t wanna be like this forever

Crystal Midnight

Your Hearts Desire

love defined as by google search

• a strong positive emotion of regard and affection
• any object of warm affection or devotion
• have a great affection or liking for
• get pleasure from
• a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction
• be enamored or in love with

this are some definition of love but what is love?
how about lets define love by age... form 4 - 8 love is defined as:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7

to all of this examples its better to be 4 or 8, for love to them is simpler and less complicated...
for us grown up when did we lost this notion and definition of love in us. if only we have retained this and see love as this children do and maybe our life should have been much more simpler rather than complicated. maybe from then own our hearts desire should have been more attainable...

My First Post

Before i post anything here i wish you who ever reads this one to know something about me...

i am the middle in siblings of 3 and i have a sister and brother whom i have seen for quite sometime. i am 29 years old and yes that is my real age and i am not ashamed... hehehe i have finished a bachelor degree and i am working here somewhere in the middle east.

i am a father to a son, a son to a my parents and i want it to keep that way.
i have few hobbies and i don't do sports, i hate getting sweaty and its not fun for me chasing some ball...

i am a silent type of person and if you don't talk to me i don't talk to you... what u see is what you get for now... some says i am immature but what is maturity?

thank you,